I know you have a hard time facing each day without me, struggling to make sense of my death. I see you cry before bed each night and when you wake every morning. I see you sit in your car for hours at a time, shutting out the rest of the world, tears running down your cheeks as you listen to songs that remind you of me. I’m so sorry, Mom.
I’m sorry I had to leave so soon. I didn’t want to leave you, but please know that although you cannot see me, I am never far away.
Those chills you get when you are all alone, it’s me giving you a hug. I’m still here, Mom. I’m right here. Those beautiful rainbows that stop you in your tracks. It’s me saying hello. Those butterflies that flutter around you. The feathers you find in the most unlikely place laying there all alone. It’s me reminding you you’re not alone.
I hear you say goodnight to me as you drift to sleep each night. You can’t hear me, but I whisper “goodnight” back. I wish you could hear me whisper “I love you” everyday. I wish you could feel my hugs as I comfort you when you are down. I wish you could sense me as I gently kiss your cheek and wipe your tears every night as you fall asleep.
I know you miss me with every breath you take. That every joyful moment is also filled with sadness and what if’s along with the why’s and wonder. Wonder of what I would be like, what I would become. Wonder of who I’d be today. I wish you could see me now, Mom. I’m happy. I’m free.
Mom, I want you to know that I’m okay. I’m at peace now. I know it’s not easy to get through the days, but you keep on going, bringing me with you every step of the way. You keep my memory alive and you never stop saying my name. Thank you, Mom.
I watch you as you fight for my justice and you try to make some good come from all the tragedy my death left behind. I am proud of you Mom.
I know one of your biggest fears is that people will forget about me. That over time as the world goes on my time on earth will be forgotten. They haven’t forgotten, Mom. You keep my memory alive. You say my name and tell my story. I live on through you.
I’m so proud that you are my Mom. You are so brave, so kind, so loving. Although our time together was to short, you always took care of me. Protected me. Guided me. Loved me. You are such a good Mom.
Don’t question if I knew how much you loved me, I knew. I can still feel your love, it reaches me all the way in heaven.
I know there are days that you think you can’t keep going. Days that you can’t wait to join me, just so you can hold me and kiss me one more time. I know how much you long for that day, but please keep living, Mom. I want you to live, to smile, to feel joy. You don’t need to feel guilty when you’re happy. I like to see you smile. I love the sound of your laugh.
Please keep going. Keep carrying me with you in all that you do. I promise I’m here, Mom. I’m waiting here for you. I will always be with you, sending my love from heaven, until you can hold me again.
Don’t let go, Mom. I live on through you. I’m a part of you. I love you.
4/28/11 written by Momma C
Christina Sargent Bergeron