In a little over three months, it will mark five years since my sweet beautiful boy, Luke, left his physical body and I have recently been thinking about what I would say to that woman I used to be. What would I say to the mama who’s beloved first-born son died in her arms, literally within moments of being accidentally hit in the chest by another child? What could I possibly say to help her in her journey? It truly is not easy to go back there, to that raw overwhelming pain of early grief, but I did it with the hope of helping another parent learning to navigate this most challenging of human paths. Our beloved children are still right here with us, as guiding shining lights, sending us all of their love. May you find hope and comfort if you choose to read further.
Dear Elise in November 2014,
I know you are thinking…”What just happened?!? Where did my Luke go???? How could he be here one moment and sighing his last breath in my arms the next?” I know you are feeling guilty because you don’t even know exactly what happened. You decided to stay inside and do dishes while you let Luke go outside to play. You didn’t actually witness the moment of impact with your physical eyes but you felt it in your heart. God spoke to you with the urgent words, “Check on Luke.” You did not think for one moment, you heeded the warning and immediately ran out the front door to find Luke laying on the sidewalk. You knelt down and took him into your arms and brought him to your chest saying over and over again, “Please no, please don’t go. God, please don’t take him.” You looked down at his perfect little face and heard him sigh twice, not knowing that was the last air to ever go in and out of his lungs on his own accord. You were frantic not knowing what happened or what was even going on. You didn’t even realize he wasn’t breathing and had no concept of time as it felt like forever until the paramedics arrived. What you didn’t know was that Luke was still right there with you, wrapping you in love, telling you it would be okay. He was not in pain, he was not hurt in any way…in fact, he was Perfect. He was already adorned in his Heavenly robes and smiling big and giving thanks for his wonderful earth life and so excited to go back Home. You see, he already knew the truth, he knew that he wasn’t leaving you. He knew that Heaven is not some far off place but rather a state of energetic frequency. His soul was now vibrating in a spiritual body in which your human eyes could not see. His light was so bright that it would blind you if you could somehow see it in a human way.
Luke knew that this was all part of his plan and yours. He chose you as his mama and gave you that gift of knowing only a week before. You had “randomly” asked him if he had chosen you as his mommy and his immediate reply was “My first choice was to stay in Heaven forever and my second choice was to go in your belly!” Ever the jokester! You were shocked when he told you that and it was said to bring you the comfort you would need only 8 short days later. You knew without a shadow of a doubt that Luke came from Heaven, because he told you while still in a human body, and you deduced (correctly!) that of course he would go back there again. As you remember, Luke had very special insight as a young child. He spoke about Heaven more than once and he also predicted your pregnancy with his baby brother and even told you the baby’s name was Benjamin! Even though you don’t realize it yet, he left you other clues and signs about how his love for you would last forever. You and Luke were so connected, even in ways of telepathy, which I know you never spoke about with anyone else. The connection, bond, and commitment were all there from the very beginning and it will never ever end. Unfortunately, you will have to go through this shocking, horror-filled pain of “child loss” in order to find your true self and to find Luke again. You will be so scared for so long. You will wonder if maybe you got it wrong…maybe there was no Heaven…maybe he just didn’t exist anymore and maybe you will never see him ever again. I am here to tell you that those human doubts are normal and even necessary because they are what will push you forward to find out the Truth. You will use your questions to search and learn and grow and expand to discover the truth that we truly do not die. Yes, our human bodies will cease to exist but the true essence of us, our souls, will always exist. We are made of energy and energy can neither be created or destroyed. We simply change forms and “drop” the human costume we are wearing. We are eternal beings here on earth for just a very short time.
Even once you discover this, you will go through a time where you just don’t care. You are not happy and you tell yourself you will never be happy again and you tell yourself that you don’t want to be happy ever again. You will feel like you are betraying Luke if you even dare to seek a moment of happiness. Yes, you have a younger son and feel obligated to give him a “good life” but you no longer want to be here. You aren’t quite suicidal but you surely do not want to be on planet earth any longer. It just hurts too much to be living without the love you received from your precious Luke. You will come to find that you still get to love Luke, in present time and not just in the remembering of past memories, and that he still gets to love you! This will be a big revelation to you and a turning point in your grief. He will show his love to you in many ways…signs, synchronicities, written messages, tingling feelings, and you will even hear him in your head. He will delight when you make the connections and smile in joy as you feel his love and learn to smile again. The love is still there and will never leave you. Once you realize that, you will want to share about it and tell other people about the signs you are receiving. This will be a time of duality as you relish in the signs Luke sends but at the same time say, “It isn’t enough…I want him here with me now.” This is the point where you will begin to learn to surrender and let go of preconceived notions and prior beliefs. You will be led to books, people, and groups that are in alignment with healing and finding a path to peace. You will learn to tamper down your ego and just let go and trust your journey. When you learn to let go, the magic will really start to happen. Luke’s signs and communications will amplify and you will begin to get excited about life again. You will find peace in your heart knowing this was all part of a bigger plan. Will you still miss Luke’s physical presence?…YES!…every single day! But you will get to know and feel his Spirit presence and realize his guidance, support, and love has been with you all along. You will realize your relationship is so much more than just parent and child. It is so much bigger than the human can comprehend. Yes, you chose this life together for the many lessons to learn, opportunities for growth, and to teach others to find their way back to life after loss. You will come to realize that grieving forever does not equal loving forever. You will come to find that feeling your feelings and working through your grief with intention and love will bring you the ultimate reward. You will heal! Yes, you will. And with that healing brings an even deeper relationship with Luke. You will know he is working with you and through you at every moment. You will find that every experience, good and bad, is what led you to where you are now. You will realize that no experience is ever wasted and that you are absolutely never ever alone.
You have a lot to learn, my dear Elise. Once your life shatters and all your previous hopes and dreams are no longer, you will sink into a deep dark hole. You don’t think you will get out and you don’t even want to, but you will find that what pulls you out is the Love. You will have to dig deep and sift through all beliefs you had prior to Luke’s passing regarding death and the afterlife. You will have to come to your own conclusions, not just one’s that were fed to you as a child. This will be your time to shed everything that isn’t you and to discover what truly is you. Yes, you will change in almost every single way. But the one way you will not change is your capacity to love. You will find your capacity to love and feel empathy and show compassion will only grow. Once you have been in that dark scary place, your love will propel you forward to help others to find their way out. And you will come to find that this was the plan all along, that moving through that tunnel of pain and great suffering to find the light again and then sharing with others is the whole point. The light will always be there and as you find yourself again and realize you are worthy of love, the light will only grow brighter. You will find that Luke was in that light all along. He was there, with you the whole time. He was cheering you on when you took healing steps forward and he was wrapping you in love when you didn’t think you could take another step. You will come to know in the deepest part of your being that you and Luke are a team, in this together forever, bonded by a commitment to spread light in this world, especially to those parents who don’t know that their precious children are still with them as well. This path is not going to be easy, it was never supposed to be, but you will take on the challenge with courage and bravery because your soul already knows that LOVE will fuel you forward as you walk your way Home and back into your precious Luke’s arms.
With all my love and life,
Elise in August 2019
The author of this post Elise Kowalski is a bereaved mum and the creator of the blog “Love from Luke“. “I hope my Love from Luke can flow from him through me to provide comfort and the realization that our children are still shining lights in our daily lives. They are actively present, sending signs of their love, and encouraging us to continue with healing steps as we move forward in life with them by our side in Spirit. Let us honor the lives of our beloved children by making their legacies be full of joy instead of sorrow. Let the continuing love, for our children and from our children, fuel us forward on our path until we meet again.”
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