Grief is …..

The many faces of Grief according to the members of Esther’s Rainbow Spiritual Community  : 

“Locking your keys in the house or car for the millionth time.”

“Explaining to your living children that mommy sometimes kisses inanimate objects, because they remind her of their brother, who she misses so much.”

“Forgetting to return phone calls.”

“Wanting to reach out, but not knowing what to say, and not wanting to be a burden.”

“Unpredictable …..”

“When your used to look people in the eye when talking and now you avoid eye contact so people can’t tell your lying when you say your fine.”

“Suffocating. Like the air has suddenly been sucked out of the room.”

“When you avoid phone calls from family and friends because as much add you would want to talk with them you know they know you and at the same time they don’t… and deep down you don’t care… because even if you wanted to you can’t.”

“Lonely”

“Grief has so many terrible layers. One of the worst is constantly feeling alone in it. Your personal relationship with your loved ones lost, how they were lost, and how each individual cope and processes, makes each and every trek though this dark forest unique. All who have suffered loss travel through this forest, but none walk the same path. Though there are times our paths may cross, as together we scream those silent screams, or wear those painted smiles, it is, ultimately, a journey you take alone. Hoping that, one day, you will reach the other side.”

“Living in a deep grey fog.”

“An ache you can’t ease.”

” An endless longing “

“Forgetting things, grey hairs, triggers, crying, mood swings, the missing, and the love. The what ifs are consuming. Why and it never being able to be answered.”

“Trying to be the peaceful rock for your remaining kids while inwardly barely treading water yourself.”

“Wanting to live on a deserted island so you don’t have to fake it all the time.”

“Anxiety , guilt when I laugh or smile. Not wanting to leave the house, lack of motivation.” 

“The ultimate pain for deep love of your child”

“Debilitating.”

“Anxiety.”

“No motivation to do anything. Poor self care. Anxiety and flashbacks (PTSD). Lonely even with others around. Racing thoughts. Sleepless nights. Questioning why without an answer to ever come. Missing my boy and many tears that come. Waves of grief are endless. Just a pure longing for what you know you can’t have and that is for your child to be with you physically, for things to be how they were before. Wishing it wasn’t like Groundhog Day everyday.”

“The price of love. A love that was so pure and unconditional. And so briefly tangible…”

“Drifting through a new life of sadness.”

“Red puffy eyes, sleepless nights and an emptiness inside that will always be there no matter what.”

“Hole in me.”

“I stopped getting out of bed literally only to go to the bathroom and get a drink. For months I’m also on depressant meds not sure if it’s meds or my new life I have no strength or desire to do anything else.”

“Flashbacks and severe anxiety.”

“A thin veneer of what passes for normal covering the constant threat of falling apart.”

“grief is after a few months of losing someone you truly love you really lose yourself for awhile and has your family think somethings wrong with you. you get paranoid,think weird things,think something else bad is gonna happen,freak out and think that something will happen. worry that somethings gonna happen to to your loved ones”

“Unbearable pain and heartaches.”

“grief =the month of october-breast cancer month = 10-10-13 the day my grandma passed away from breast cancer at the age of 92 about 6months after she had found out. Also = 10-19-17 the day my grandson passed away at 5months old born with HLHS, a day before my husbands birthday”

“Being ok one minute and a ball on the floor the next. Trying to remind myself to just breathe or laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath and then I start to cry because Alex would have found it funny too. Wrapping myself up in his blanket I made him just to smell him again. Alone in the car just screaming because I miss him so much there is no way to describe. Laying on his grave for hours listening to his music and sobbing until I can’t cry anymore. It’s putting on a mask every single day and hoping that no one touches the fragility that envelopes me so I can make it day by day. Some days it’s praying I make him proud, others it’s begging God to take me instead. Each of us has the same unspeakable pain, we just have different ways of coping. My prayer is that anyone who comes here finds some solace some way and know that you are not alone. ❤️”

“Being sad, even when you’re happy.”

“Being so proud of all the things your living children do/accomplish, all while secretly hurting and thinking of what might have been.”

“Constantly missing my son that it consumes me.”

“A daily drip feed of misery.”

“Disintegrating heart.”

“A painful longing.”

“An emptiness.”

“An emotional roller-coaster. I feel separate from people who haven’t experienced such tragedies because its changed my outlook on life and the way I deal with things and people now. I can be OK one minute and bawling the next….its the hardest thing I have ever done, is to go on living when inside I feel like I am dying.”

” Emptiness and all the above.”

“Feeling like your crazy because reality isn’t your reality any more…”

“A constant fear that the worst that can happen will happen because it happened once it can happen again.”

“Consuming.”

“A life sentence. Of ALL the layers.”

“My grief is a deep, vast, ocean of inky, electric darkness. Simultaneously drowning me and sending volts of pain through my soul.”

My biggest thing about grief is how religion has really messed me up.”

“I don’t care attitude!”

“An infinitely lonely emptiness.”

“I no longer can feel happiness. Instead its a constant feeling of dread, pain, loss, weakness, guilt. I could go on. I just pray every day that the Lord would take me.”

“The pain in my heart an knowing she is not with me.”

“Love that has nowhere to go in the physical world “

“Endless!!!!”

“Like running a marathon. Starts when we lose and ends when are reunited. Physical process of pain and perseverance.”

“An emotional roller coaster.”

“Broken.”

“It has simultaneously made me not at all care about things I once did, and very deeply care about things I didn’t before.”

“Lonely, consuming, acceptance, painful, a ling process.”

“Being surrounded by triggers. Quite often, blindsided by them.”

“Grief – an overwhelming sadness. The kind of sadness that actually hurts physically. That knot in the stomach where it is difficult to eat. Sleepless nights where your mind is constantly replaying scenes or playing what ifs. It’s realizing that everything that was once familiar and routine is now foreign and uncomfortable. It’s missing someone that you would bargain with the devil to have that person back. It’s the attempt to numb yourself from all thoughts and feelings. It’s wondering how you will ever be a fully functional person when you are just going through the motions of living. It’s having your heart broken into so many pieces that you are sure you will never love again. It’s all that and much more.”

“Crushing! Bleak! Dark!”

“A journey.”

“Exhausting.”

“Emotionally and physically debilitating.”

“I’m always so sad, I hide it well but once I’m home alone, I’m just sad. I don’t know how to not be sad anymore.”

“I don’t want to be in this world without my son.”

“Paralyzing.”

“An unexplainable unimaginable unforeseen unwanted life long reality.”

“Exhausting.”

“Broken exhausting sadness.”

“Lonely, isolating, pain.

“Disgusting depressing maddening.”

“Exhausting, mentally and physically painful, numbing, overwhelming, … I am sure I have aged at least 10 years since my daughter passed away last year.”

“Broken, physical pain, hating everyone and everything.
No sympathy for bullshit. Extreme anger, extremely pissed at peoples drama…
Not getting out if bed… overwhelmingly sad. Feeling like you have one foot with your loved one and knowing the other foot has to stay here so no one else is hurt.”

“Debilitating in every way.”

“Empty.”

“Longing for the relationship you had with your child and the devastating realization that it’s gone forever!”

“Feeling like you are only a shell of a person going through the motions of everyday life, and faking being ok to everyone you come in contact with because there is truly no joy left in your life.”

“Unbearably painfull, lonely, nothing to look forward to, empty, why am I alive? Nothing to live for without my sons whom was my everything!”

“Losing apart of yourself. And it’s a roller coaster ride of feelings.”

“Secretly wishing for death every day, but then knowing I can’t go Because I have others here I can’t leave.”

“Falling apart every time I see my son’s friends doing things without him.”

” Finding no joy in life at all. Sure I laugh at things, but then it turns into tears because my son is not here to laugh with me.”

“Not wanting to do anything as a family anymore because we aren’t a complete unit.”

“Cant Express the loss of my son.I still cannot believe it and it will be 3 years May 18.”

“My soul was ripped out when my son passed. Everyday I pretend that I’m ok, but how could I ever be ok when he’s not here anymore “

“Never experiencing pure joy again, pain always beneath the surface, lonely,sad, always living with the “what if’s”, losing a piece of yourself and being forever changed “

“Grief is a great motivator. It has motivated me to try to find meaning and purpose in my life. Before my Son passed I was just coasting through life. Now I am much more motivated. More appreciative. I want to make him proud. Keep his memory alive. But I still cry almost every single day. “

“Waking up everyday knowing something is missing from your life. The person that is no longer there is the one you want to tell everything to and then realizing they are no longer here. You’re in a constant battle to be with the people who still need you on earth and being with your loved one in heaven.”

“Grief is love and longing. Longing to hold and cuddle my little boy and longing for the day that we’re together properly x”

“Lus vir niks of niemand nie en erge depressie asook stryd tussen herinneringe koester of onderdruk.”

“A empty hole.”

“The most intense pain I’ve ever felt in my life .. I’ve had 3 children.. that pain doesn’t hurt like this.. I’ve lost people my entire life.. that pain doesn’t hurt like this… I sometimes just double over as if someone kicked the wind out of me.. water pours from my eyes… I think my tears have surpassed .. it can happen at any given time… I can be smiling and all of a sudden… # boom my world is shaken and forever changed… But I will tell you this… Im fighting and walking for my Angel.. doing for her children what she can’t do on earth.. she does the special things… The unexplained… We know its her… She’s very much alive spiritual lly”

“Grief is debilitating and life changing. It slinks through my soul, exposing itself here and there, or constantly. It has no regard for my schedule, bringing me to my knees at it’s own discretion. Grief is a lingering emptiness and a torturous reminder of the ever expanding love that I feel for my beautiful child. “