On June 7th it is going to be two years that my daughter Esther departed this Earthly life, leaving her little 4 years old body, devastated by a horrible disease, and transitioning to spirit.
Esther fought cancer for one and a half years before claiming defeat, that for a little girl is a very long time. We had many ups and downs, but she was incredibly brave and always kept a positive attitude, which made her “cancer journey” seem incredibly easy.
I don’t like to recall the days in hospital and to think about her disease when I remember my precious little girl: she was so much more! Esther was caring, she loved helping to look after little babies and playing nurse with her baby dolls; she was daring, always sliding down the highest slide and climbing up and down with no fear at all; she was confident, never afraid of anything or anybody – people or pets. Esther was girly, she loved changing her clothes several times a day, putting on her toy nail varnish and lipstick, filling up her purses and handbags. Esther was clever, she knew the words of several nursery rhymes from a very early age and always wanted to know more about things, asking the question “why?”; she was fun, happy and bubbly, sometimes mischievous, always such a pleasure to be with. Esther loved company, she was happy when surrounded by her friends and family and never shied away from any social occasion, but above all Esther was loving: she loved her Mummy very much and had so much love to give to everyone. She was an amazing little person, one of a kind, who left an indelible mark in the life of everyone who has been lucky enough to cross her path.
Losing a child is a loss like no other, a grief that lasts forever. My life is forever divided in “before” and “after” the death of my beautiful daughter. …“Death” is a funny word, it sounds so hopeless and definitive, and yes there is no coming back. With time I am learning not to be so focused on the here and now, on this Earthly life, on what I can see, hear and touch, because it’s not all here, and I like to believe that death is a lie. Our life continues on another level, in a dimension that we cannot sense with our Earthly bodies but that we can perhaps feel sometimes, when we love, when we spy a rainbow, a butterfly or a feather, when a precious memory of our loved ones pops in our mind. It is an unimaginably beautiful place filled with bliss and unconditional love, it is where our souls are and where our loved ones who have already crossed over continue to live and evolve… It is our real home and it is where we will meet our precious children again one day.
Don’t get me wrong I would give anything to see my precious girl again, to cuddle her one more time in my arms, to hear her beautiful voice again, but I must accept that Esther was not mine to keep. She came on Earth for a short time because that was all her soul needed to experience in this life. She is back Home now but at the same time she is still with me, just in another way. The love bond that connect us is unbreakable and we will always be together because we complement one another and we will never be apart. So now I try not to focus on the caterpillar that is not longer here and look up and above to the beautiful butterfly that she has become.
Although I will never stop grieving and missing her, this awareness gives me comfort and allows me to keep going on with my journey in this life, as my time to join the other side is not here yet and there are still many things I need to accomplish. This realisation is part of a spiritual growth that started when I was born and will end only when I finally join my Esther and all my loved ones in the spirit world. Many amazing people helped me and are still helping me in my journey. I won’t list them all but I want them to know that I am grateful to them and to my spirit guides who directed me on their path.
If you are new to this incredibly hard grief journey and recently joined the dreaded “bereaved parents club”, my advice is don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or behave: just follow your emotions and be kind with yourself, taking one day at a time. Try not to think of your child as gone forever in a galaxy far away: he/she is still with you, just in a very different and special way. Our children will never leave our side, they are right here, watching us and guiding us and they don’t want us to beat ourselves up with guilt, they don’t want us to cry and be depressed. They want us to keep living our life, remembering them and honouring the love bonds that still connects with them, until one day we will meet them again.
So try not to be so focused on this Earthly life, on the birthday they are missing, on the Christmas gift they will not get, on the wedding they will never have, on the school uniform they will never be able to wear. Lift your eyes and look up and above, stop and listen to your heart, there is a wonderful dimension of love and unimaginable beauty that we cannot see from this side, it’s where our real Home is. Make the most of your time on Earth, live, laugh, love and do not doubt that your precious child is just a thought away… and if you need a rainbow, join Esther’s!
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Arabella and Alexander ~ forever 13.
Gone for 21 months now.
Missing him more than ever.
I sometimes feel him close and he reaches out to me. I long to be with him again. I cry for his big brother who is being so brave. My life is shattered and I feel so lost at times. I wish there was a map x x